Greetings from the always sunny Atomic City, Idaho! I’ve been driving for three days straight, stopping only to take a nap and the occasional pee break. I’m out here looking for the dryococelus australis, or land lobster, one of the rarest bugs in existence. Thought to only be native to certain volcanic regions of Australia, the elusive land lobster has recently been spotted right here in Atomic City. While I was certainly surprised to hear the species had migrated all the way to Idaho (of all places!), I wasn’t quite convinced enough to make the trip out.

That is until I read about the swarm.

Seems these slick little bastards have been causing quite a fuss up here, slipping into fast food burgers, tennis shoes, and whatever else they can find. The sighting reports on Cootie Conquerors (my personal go-to source for bug hunting) have shot right off the charts! High enough that I had to drive all the way out here to see the damn things for myself.

I’ve been in town for twenty minutes now, no luck so far. Stopped to get a sushi marshmallow milkshake at Dom’s Ice Hole and ended up having a conversation with Dom himself. I asked him if he’d scooped up any land lobsters that might’ve taken up residency inside one of the buckets containing his 33 unique flavors, but he said he hadn’t. He did point me in the direction of Hell’s Half Acre, though, and the lead seems promising! After doing a bit of research, I discovered Idaho’s lava trail system runs straight through Hell’s Half Acre, and we all know those slimy fuckers love lava.

I’m sure you’ve sensed my animosity towards these creatures by now. It’s true, my fascination with these wretched demons isn’t amicable, not by a long shot.

It’s personal.

Oh boy, is it ever…

One of these sons of bitches killed my gammy and I’ll stop at nothing until it’s been brought to justice. Shouldn’t be too difficult to identify, either, considering how rare these insects are. That, and the fact that my gammy managed to claw one of the perpetrator’s eyes out during their scuffle. How many of these bastards are crawling around with just one eye, huh? Can’t be too many.

Wish me luck.